


Hermione Granger and the Glorious Glock

by Laskara



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Aggressively American author, Gun Violence, Other, shitpost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 13:23:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17023386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laskara/pseuds/Laskara
Summary: I couldn't find it, so I'm writing the shitpost. Everyone talked about it but as far as I can see, nobody did it, so I will. TW gun, obviously.





	Hermione Granger and the Glorious Glock

Hermione Granger took her black ass to school. Unbeknownst to her fellow students and faculty, tucked under her skirt in a concealed thigh holster was her glorious glock- a glock 42 to be specific. When she and her parents received the notification that she'd be going to some wild ass Wizarding school with trolls and werewolves running around the grounds, not to mention snooty witch children who knew curses and shit, the Granger family came to the collective decision that their beautiful and perfect 13 year old magical daughter needed to learn to shoot and pack heat in the hallways for self defense. She had chosen a very tactical and smart looking matte black finish, and was minimalistic with her accessories so it'd look polished and professional and also fit in the slimmest holster so people wouldn't notice a bunch of huge flashlights taped to her barely pubescent little child thigh.

All the bright eyed brand new baby first years packed into the great hall to be sorted, and Hermione took her seat under the crusty but wise garment of choices to receive her house, changing the trajectory of her boring mundane life into a sick ass balling magical one forever. Before the hat even touched her gorgeous natural hair, she could hear it's creaky raggedy ancient hat voice speaking directly to her brain. 'Young witch, are you sincerely walking around this school with a glock cozied up to your kitty?'

'Yes.' Hermione thought back at the hat with confidence. 

"GRYFFINDOR!" it bellowed, still a full subway footlong away from contacting her body. Gryffindor cheered and everyone else wept as their schooling house would now stand absolutely no chance of having the best character in the story on its shitty pathetic roster. 

Hermione attended her first fucking dope magical class, imagining what kind of boring day all her friends were out there having trying to learn algebra when she stumbled upon her two new best friends, some bespectacled fuckwit looking kid who seemed like he would get the entire school into danger with his antics on multiple occasions and his equally stupid ginger sidekick. "Hello unattractive boys!" She said, "I'm not marrying either one of you after we graduate, not even if you grow up to be hot, because I've got career aspirations." The two boys looked at each other and nodded in sad agreement. Hermione was too good for either of them. 

"It's ok Ron," the troubled green eyed youth said sadly, "I'll just marry your little sister." 

"I'll have to fend for myself I guess", the impoverished ginger said with a shrug in his hand me down attire. Harry nodded at Ron's somber reply.

"Alright!" She said brightly, "now that you've sorted yourselves out, let's learn some magic!"  
The three of them proceeded to learn some magic with a lot of enthusiasm. Ron was very happy for Harry and Hermione, who didn't even know magic was real before this summer and were now casting spells like all the magical wizarding goddesses intended. 

Suddenly, some squirrely looking dude with a turban walked in, and all the students were forced to behold his twitchy visage with their virginal face eyes. "Hello children", he squirmed, "I'm professor suspicious fuck and I'll be ruining your school year with my bullshit. Welcome to defense against the dark arts class." Hermione continued to view him, her left eye twitching a little bit as he flailed his arms around like an octopus to gesture to his magical supplies. 

"Hey Ron," she whispered to the ginger in the hallway after class, "I'm new to magic, are demons real? Like the kind that posess people." 

"I'm not sure", the magical boy replied, "I know about ghosts and malevolent magical creatures like kelpies, but I don't think the author ever clarified anything about religious figures like demons that posess people. I'm just going to assume no." 

Hermione nodded and proceeded to go climb up the side of the castle and spy on Professor Quirrel with a huge book about demons open in her free hand as she clung to the brickwork, but only once she had finished all of her homework for the evening. "Hmmmmm..." she pondered quietly, " I have no fucking idea what I'm looking at. I need help." She looked down to check and then released her grip on the wall and fell off on purpose, landing on the back of a hippogryff as it flew by. After safely taking her to the ground, it carried on with its regular activities. She went to Hagrid's house.

"Hermione! Hello! Have you come to ask for accompaniment into the forbidden forest for a research assignment?" He asked. 

"No, but thanks. I just need to know what's up with proffessor Quirrel, I think he wants to fuck up our education and I'm not about to abide his business if that's the case." Hermione told him, and Hagrid nodded sagely. 

"Wait til the audience is turned around, putting their fingers in their ears and singing 'lalalala' so they can't hear us, and I'll give you all the plot exposition that will help you bring quirrel to his untimely demise." The both of them looked out into the audience, urging them "come on now, go ahead" until every single reader had taken measures to ignore the hastily done plot exposition. 

About five minutes later, the two of them shouted out to the readers. "It's ok!" Hagrid shouted, "you can all pay attention again." 

"Come back!" Hermione shouted, "I'm about to shoot the scourge of the wizarding world!"

With the audience back, she thanked Hagrid and departed from his house with a bunch of treacle tarts because Hagrid is a nice, candy distributing giantman. 

She walked up into the great hall whIle everyone was having lunch, pointed to professor quirrel and shouted as loud as she could, "THIS DOOFUS HAS THAT OTHER DOOFUS Y'ALL ARE SCARED TO TALK ABOUT STUCK TO THE BACK OF HIS HEAD!" 

"Nu-Uh ma'am, I do not", professor Quirrel replied, standing up. "Take this girl to the headmaster's office!" As he stood, Professor McGonagal saw a loose dangly string waving on his turban and was compelled to attack. She launched her body in a pounce, clawing it off his head. As she rolled around on the floor with the headpiece, biting it and kicking with her feet, the entire student body and all of the staff gasped and pointed at the back of Quirrel's head, for Hermione had spoken the truth. Even McGonagal stood back up like a human and pointed at the visage of Voldemort. 

As the ex- professor panicked at having been publicly revealed as some kind of magical drug mule for undead nazis, Hermione whipped her glorious glock from its holster and fired three shots center mass, dropping the idiot to the ground. 

"Ahh! Fuck!" He screamed through both mouths, "What the fuck spell was that?" 

"It's a gun, muggles use them", Hermione said, walking up to the man and shooting him execution style between Voldemort's beady little eyeballs.

Everyone cheered at Hermione's brave actions, and resumed their educations in peace after erecting a beautiful statue in her honor and declaring the date she shot Voldemort to be a wizarding holiday.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for enjoying my horrible extension of a tumblr shitpost and congratulations on your excellent taste in trash. I kept this shitpost short because the tumblr shitpost mandated it has to be, so if you're depressed and wish it could be longer I'm happy to inform you I have I have other shitposts here to read.


End file.
